Ever feel like you keep reacting to things in ways that don’t really make sense? Sometimes, not even just to other people, but ourselves as well?
Part of the answer may lie in the way our past influences the present. The general consensus is that there isn’t just one factor that shapes the way we act today. It is a complex mix of our temperament (or traits we are born with), wider cultural and social influences, and how our emotional needs were met by others.
Emotional Needs
In particular, these needs are:
-> Feeling safe and connected to others (Attachment styles & connection): this refers to a need to feel that others are there for us (e.g., available, reliable, accepting) growing up. This helps us learn how to maintain, and form, relationships later in life that are mutually supportive.
-> Capacity to be independent and confident (Autonomy, independence, identity): this refers to a need to be able to explore, make decisions, and develop a sense of who we are (either as part of a wider group, or distinct individuals).
-> Expressing emotions and needs with confidence to others (Emotional expression & validation): this refers to a need to feel safe when we express ourselves to others. It is a core aspect of cultivating trust in ourselves and others.
-> Having fun and being playful (Spontaneity & joy): this refers to the idea that childhood is much more than just survival. Ideally, it should centre around play, imagination, and curiosity.
-> Learning how to set and maintain healthy boundaries and self-control (Structure & limits): We need to learn what’s okay and what’s not in a way that is developmentally appropriate – i.e., through careful guidance and respectful parenting. In turn, we can manage our behaviour in healthier ways, increase the chances we’ll both respect others and be respected ourselves, and get better at navigating the unpredictability of life.
When Needs are Not Met
On the flipside, when these needs are not adequately met in early life they may adversely influence the way we see ourselves and the world as adults. We might struggle with confidence, relationships, or emotions – sometimes without knowing why. And sometimes, we might continue using coping habits that once helped us get by as kids but don’t really serve us well in meeting our own needs (and those of the people close to us) in adulthood – taking us away from authentic and meaningful connection with others.
Understanding Your Needs
The good news. A psychologist can help you make sense of all this. They can help you untangle how the world around influences you, and how you influence the world around you based on the past, and find better ways to deal with challenges. Remember: change is not not about blaming the past, but rather understanding how to take a good step forward.
If past experiences are impacting your life, book an appointment with our experienced psychologists at the Centre for Clinical Psychology in Melbourne by calling 03 9077 0122. Together, we can help you develop healthier coping strategies and take meaningful steps toward a more fulfilling and connected life.
References
Hong, Y. R., & Park, J. S. (2012). Impact of attachment, temperament and parenting on human development. Korean Journal of Pediatrics, 55(12), 449–454. https://doi.org/10.3345/kjp.2012.55.12.449
Young, J. E., Klosko, J. S., & Beck, A. T. (2019). Reinventing Your Life: The Breakthough Program to End Negative Behavior… and Feel Great Again. New York, Plume Books.
