Relationships can have a powerful impact upon our quality of life and wellbeing. Relationships can be rewarding, but they can also be tremendously difficult at times. Whether it’s a family member, friend, work colleague, or partner, challenging relationships can leave us feeling distressed, frustrated, confused or maligned. We might experience the other person as critical, demanding, or withdrawing. Resentments can build and communication can break down.
It is well known that under stress, we all can become more rigid and defensive. This makes it harder to extend kindness and grace to the other person and to see things from their perspective. Sometimes people lack relationship skills, have a history of trauma, have a different interpretation of events because of cultural or generational differences, or perhaps they are neurodivergent. Many things can influence how a person interprets a given situation. In families and workplaces, people also act from roles such as boss or parent, and these roles can influence their reactions.
We Cannot Change Others
One of the first aspects of understanding relationship dynamics is learning that we cannot change others. Whatever the reason for difficult relationships, and often despite our best efforts, it can be difficult to change these dynamics. The simple fact is that we cannot change others. So, what are we to do?
What Am I To Do?
If you are consistently upset by someone and you haven’t been able to resolve the conflict in a mature, respectful way, it can be useful to consider your expectations. Are they realistic? Are you expecting too much? Is the other person also invested in resolving this? What do you contribute to the difficulties, and what does the other person contribute?
You don’t need to collapse into a puddle of guilt, but accepting responsibility for your contribution, in a mature, non-defensive way, is the first step. Then, consider what it is that you realistically need or what you would prefer from the other person. How capable are they (either because of skill, role, capacity) of meeting your needs or wishes?
Boundaries – One Way to Manage Relationships
Boundaries often involve saying no. This might mean saying ‘no’ outright, but it can also be more subtle. Typically, it involves changing old patterns. And this is never a once-and-done prospect. It will need to be repeated over time.
Setting a boundary might mean choosing not to engage where previously you would have engaged. Or letting someone know that you don’t have the time or energy to do something they have asked for. Or perhaps it is changing the topic, steering the conversation in a new direction, or planned ignoring. In the face of criticism, it might be “thanks for your feedback, I know you’re trying to help but I’m okay”.
It can be challenging to say ‘no’. Most people prefer harmony over conflict, and most of us want to get along well with others. Saying no and not engaging in old patterns takes courage and conviction. The work of setting boundaries is also active and ongoing. Boundaries are not a set and forget option. Maintaining boundaries is an ongoing proposition.
How Do I Set Boundaries?
When communicating boundaries, aim to be clear, calm, and assertive. Using “I” statements can be helpful. For example, “I need some time to myself after work before discussing important issues,” or “I am not comfortable being spoken to in that way.” Focus on expressing your needs rather than blaming the other person.
Begin by communicating how much of something you will tolerate (if at all) and how we would like to be treated. Sometimes boundaries can be communicated in words, but actions can also be very powerful. In challenging relationships, boundaries can paradoxically reduce conflict over time by clarifying expectations.
The Twist
No one likes to change. If you decide to radically alter the way you are functioning in a relationship, be prepared that this may intensify the other person’s upset, at least initially. Especially in long term relationships, when one party changes, it creates enormous anxiety in the other. “You’ve changed, change back!”.
Remember that setting boundaries does not guarantee that others will immediately respond positively. Some people may resist changes, particularly if they are used to certain patterns of interaction. Consistency is key. Repeating and maintaining your boundaries over time helps reinforce them.
Boundaries are About Wellbeing
Healthy boundaries are not about controlling another person’s behaviour; they are about taking responsibility for your own wellbeing. By setting and maintaining clear limits, you can reduce stress, build self-respect, and create healthier interactions. Even in challenging relationships, boundaries provide a foundation for greater understanding, respect, and emotional balance.
Situations of Risk and Violence
Finally, this blog does not apply to situations of risk or violence.
If you are unsure how to put boundaries into place, or have tried and found it difficult, one of our psychologist can help. At the Centre for Clinical Psychology in Melbourne, our psychologists can help you develop the skills and strategies you need to manage your emotions, improve assertiveness, establish boundaries in relationships and improve your mental health. Call us on 03 9077 0122 to book your appointment today.
